2005 NFL Draft Recap
(Originally published 4/29/05)

(Somewhat fitting that I found this in the archives. 10 years already. We are all old.. and stupid. Oh I went and found some photos just to make it pretty. – Rippa (052305))

ED: Ed Agner : BB: Bill Barnwell : PR: Phil Rippa

ED: Of course we would be remiss if we didn’t cover the NFL draft in some way. But Phil and Bill are Giants fans and their 2005 draft was ruined last year. I am a Raider fan and…well…my hatred of the draft is pretty self-explanatory. So in between some sweet-sweet naps, flipping around to the baseball games going on and trying to stay out of the friggin’ snow I caught enough of the draft to make me realize why I tend not to pay too much attention to the draft.

BB: Eight hours in, I was sitting in front of my TV, wondering why I was looking forward to this. Stupid football. Stupid dreams.

PR: My folks were in town so I kept seeing bits and pieces of the first day (and none of the second). Sadly – I did catch most of the first round and the Jets and Giants second round picks. Stupid Jets.


benson05ED: Cedric Benson’s tears. Really, if people were comparing you to Ricky Williams wouldn’t you cry too? I would. But I cry over anything at this stage in my life.

BB: Cause the music they constantly play…it says nothing to me about my life…

PR: This was really amazing as he just kept babbling on about the “process” being “unfair”. What I really wanted to see was the shots of the Bears front office turning green watching it and sending random interns to yank some video cables out in hopes of ESPN losing the feed. For uncomfortableness, this was like that time when some random European (possibly Darko) gave his NBA draft interview sans interrupter for the first time.

ED: A kid fresh out of college who just became a multi-millionaire complaining about an unfair system not setting off the irony meters at ESPN tells you everything you need to know about those lunkheads.

ED: Maurice Clarett. Denver. It’s like Mike Shanahan feels remorse for sucking as Raiders head coach all those years ago and has done everything in his power to help the Raiders get out of the basement. Thank you Coach Weasel-face. You still suck, though. God do you suck.

BB: I honestly never knew he was Raiders coach before just now. Was he a sexy genius then, too?

ED: Yes. Yes, unfortunately he was. I hate you.

PR: Aww… you are young. The fact that Shanahan was the one who replaced Art Shell just adds that extra level of hate.

ED: You…you…you suck. Shanahan replaced Tom Flores and was replaced by Art Shell – who was replaced by…ugh…Mike White…who was replaced by Joe Bugel and then came the Chucky era. Yeah. That helps cool down my hate. Someone wanna explain why I care about football again? Oh yeah. Because Ray Handley is not on that list.

PR: Anyway… okay, so the Broncos decide to take a flier on Mo Clarett. Yeah it was a supplemental pick, so you figure “Hey! Why not?” Well since the Broncos picked three straight CBs, one would think they would address other areas of need. Running back was not one of those areas… based just on sheer numbers. Mike Anderson – check. Quentin Griffin – check. Tatum Bell – check. Ron Dayne – check. Kyle Johnson, Cecil Sapp – check, check. I mean, if you are going to take a flier, take Adrian McPherson. Is 31-year old Danny Kanell the future? Oh that’s right – Jake Plummer. Yup – SCRAMBLING QB OF THE FUTURE! JAKE THE SNAKE!!! Really – the only thing that could top this would be the Redskins using a first round draft pick on a quarterback…

ED: Well, if IIIIIIIIII were a genius Bronco management person – which of course, means I would be the most out-of-place person on the planet – IIIIIII would take a look at the dreck they have collected at WR. But that’s just me. ‘Course, planning on replacing Plummer is never a bad idea either. Look how it’s worked out for Arizo—Oh. Right.

ED: Chris Mortensen doing everything in his power to jinx the Bengals made my entire month. SLEEPER PICK!!!

BB: I’ve been reading up a bunch on Test Card F recently – Test Card F, for the uninitiated like myself, is the most famous test card (American: test pattern) that the BBC used for…well…test pattern purposes. The Bengals are basically a test pattern – you could put any Bengals game from the last fifteen years on television each Sunday and the only people who would notice would be the other team’s fans. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

ED: Mike Vrabel working heel. Trent Green says something, Vrabel takes the opposite side. Well, really, wouldn’t you do the same?

BB: I see how this works…

Kurt Warner: “You know, you don’t have to stick around. I could just work late tonight. It doesn’t matter, you know, cause my wife, Brenda, she’s out of town or getting rid of cancer or doing a radio show or something. Which is actually kind of lucky in the end, ‘cause all these guys would be coming on to her.”

Trent Green: “Yeah, you really dodged a bullet there.”

PR: Highlight of this was the argument over Luis Castillo where Vrabel turns to Jon Jansen and says “Well, obviously you never took steroids.”

ED: Jets fans. Is there any point in having the draft if the Jets can’t make a horrible pick so ESPN can show the fan reactions? I think not.

BB: I’m with Ed on this one – let’s make sure the Jets get a compensatory selection at the end of the first round each year. Actually – no. Let’s make sure they have the first pick every year, but secretly, they’re limited to pick from like the six worst defensive linemen in the draft. Or a tight end.

PR: Well I think J-E-T-S fans are onto it and now just boo any pick because it is what is expected of them. God, I hate people. That all being said… they did pick a kicker… from Ohio State. That was the moment I stopped caring.

ED: But-but…Ohio State is a pressure cooker! Right. Just like New York. Uh-huh. God I loathe Ohio State.

rodgers05PR: Probably my absolute favorite 2005 draft moment was Aaron Rodgers hitting on Suzy Kolber. “I’ve been waiting all day to talk to you, baby.” Okay – I might have exaggerated the baby part but don’t think I didn’t dream the entire Rodgers/Kolber courtship in my mind. And then I got very jealous. Then I thought about Summer Sanders and Ed infringing on my gimmick and I started to cry. I lead a sad and sheltered life.

ED: Don’t worry, Phil. I never dream of Summer Sanders not having sex with me.

PR: Really, is there a more appropriate place for Dan Cody to end up than the Ravens? I am begging the NFL Network to cover their training camp. And if not – then he better be a guest on Deion Sanders’ new reality show.

ED: I would settle for a shot on Hammer’s show on the God Channel. But that’s just me.


ED: Phil made a joke in one of the WTW’s that punching John Lynch in the jimmy would actually entail punching Chris Berman in the head. After watching the Green Bay pick, I realized this is only true if Brett Favre is too loaded on painkillers to accept heart-attack man’s boisterous lovin’.

BB: I’m pretty sure when Brett Favre dies playing quarterback it will be like the Dale Earnhardt death but times one million.

PR: To me, the Berman misty water colored memories of Niners teams past was far more blatant in the drooling fanboyism than the Favre love. If I heard one more time “ONE OF THE MOST DOMINANT TEAMS OF THE 80s!” I was gonna barf.

ED: God I wished Berman would’ve called Harry Carson a sissy too.

ED: Anttaj Hawthorne. No, not because I care one way or other about him as a pick or assume he’s good or bad. Not that I even mind the pot use. It’s just that after the Raiders drafted him, everyone pulled out the stock line about the Raiders not caring about character issues. Now, I remember the glory days of the Raiders. I do not pretend that the Raiders have ever courted choir boys – sans Marc Wilson, I guess. But without even looking through cracksmoker.com, I can tell you that the Raiders have had less flat-out complete and total thugs over the last 10 or so years than say Dallas or a Baltimore. But let’s not confuse facts with preconceived notions.

BB: This was comical to me too. Do you really think he was one of the FOUR people in the college draft pool who uses marijuana? …

ED: Michigan WR’s who’ve had a decent career in the pro’s: Anthony Carter…umm…I guess Desmond Howard had one good day – as a kick returner…Amani Toomer? Nice of ESPN to gloss over the fact when bragging up Braylon Edwards.

BB: Come on Ed. David Terrell is BRADY REQUESTED!!!! That means at least…30 catches. And at most…45.

PR: Okay, no seriously. The Jets didn’t draft a kicker… from Ohio State… in the 2nd round. I mean, yeah, those angry Doug Brien quotes are fun but… kicker… from Ohio State. That is so much more the double whammy than taking a kicker in the 1st round who might be deported. AND if you are going to draft a kicker in the 2nd round, shouldn’t he be able to also, ya know…HANDLE KICKOFFS TOO?!?!?!?!?!

ED: Hey, if Columbus is the AAA affiliate for the Yankees, why not the Jets too? And if they would’ve taken Henson, imagine the SYNERGY!

PR: I will put this here since it is bad for the team but oh so good for me. The Redskins drafted Jason Campbell. Hehehehehe…. Yeah, Patrick… hehehe… Ramsey loves his… hehehehehe… life. Three QBs. Three being paid starters money. Aww… Tim Hasselbeck can be unemployed with his wife now.

ED: I am always happy when teams do dumber things than the Raiders on draft day. Like the Redskins…and Seattle.


kramer05ED: Andrea Kramer. I’ve always wondered how she got that gig with ESPN. Usually, one with her…uhh…unusual looks doesn’t get on TV – especially not a national network. At first, I assumed she had to have extensive football knowledge. Then I heard her interview. Strike two. Now, I have absolutely no idea how or why she got that prime gig – other than the wonderfully uncomfortable moments with Bill Romanowski in previous drafts. Aww, ‘roids make you blind. I see her these days and she just reminds me of a psycho ex-girlfriend you tried to talk a buddy out of sleeping with. And I assume she is practiced at the art of boiling bunnies. You would think Chris Berman would give up on having pets at this stage. As part of our future subscription only VP.com INSIDER section, we will describe the act of Berman and Kramer bumping uglies – IN DETAIL. Save those pennies, kids.

BB: Yeah – so thinking that it would be the scene from “The Accused”.

ED: I assume Al Davis is near death. And that makes me sad. Why do I assume this? Because everyone has gone out of their way not to poop on the Raiders picks this weekend. I will miss Al. That still won’t ever make me get all giddy about any Raiders draft though.

BB: What is the procedure for electing a new Raiders owner? Phil?

PR: I am guessing everyone just has to run the 100. SPEED~! I am giddy about Renaldo Nehemiah being in charge.

ED: Hey, if Kerry Collins is the QB, what does it matter if your WR’s can catch or not?

ED: Did you know that Ben Roethlisberger was a rookie QB last year? He was. I learned that the first 2000 times ESPN mentioned the fact. The next 3000 mentions of this might have been a bit of overkill. Maybe.


PR: Yup – falling to #11 was such a hardship. God, I hate ESPN sometimes.

BB: Really ugly is the USC backup QB getting drafted but Timmy Chang sitting. Oh well. One Mike Jones-loving Cardinals fan is giddy.

PR: Aww… Jason White wanders the streets telling anyone who will listen how he almost won two Heismans.

ED: Hey doesn’t really have to say a word. The sounds of his knees creaking says everything to everyone from miles around.

PR: Who knew that Torry Holt stuttered?

ED: And yet was still better than Michael Irvin.

PR: Actual conversation I had with my father:

DAD: So who was drafted first?
ME: Alex Smith
DAD: Was he the quarterback form Utah?
ME: Yeah
DAD: Where did the other one go?
ME: Aaron Rodgers hasn’t been selected yet
DAD: No, no – the other QB. The one from Utah
ME: Alex Smith was the one from Utah.
DAD: What about that other QB. Ronnie something. I think he was from Auburn.
ME: Ronnie Brown is a running back from Auburn and he was picked second. Jason Campbell was the QB at Auburn but he wasn’t the one projected to go number two. That was Aaron Rodgers.
DAD: The QB from Utah?

ED: I hope this is saved forever so Phil’s son can refer back to this when the same conversation takes place in 20 years.

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