30 REASONS: Why Alex Rodriguez will be traded to every team

(by PHIL RIPPA) – Originally posted 10/13/2006. Figured it was appropriate to re-post this one now.

With A-Rod stinking up another post season, the immediate calls to trade him by Yankees fans and the sports media and anyone who wanted to pretend they followed sports came fast and furious. MLB GMs immediately tried to determine why they should acquire A-Rod and what exactly would get the job done… especially with an infuriated Steinbrenner woozily yelling at everyone. Below is a list of reasons every team should be calling Brian Cashman and the trades that could happen. (Yes – we are also pretending that the Yanks didn’t announce they wouldn’t trade him and that Rodriguez would accept a deal to any club.)

This made me chuckle. I mean this version of A-Rod can’t play third any worse than the real one.

ANGELS
The Angels already got Cory Lidle – they don’t need any other Yankees. This made me chuckle. I mean this version of A-Rod can’t play third any worse than the real one.

Yes, I went there. There are 30 freaking teams in this freaking sport. Blame it on Bud Selig. Stupid expansion.

A’s
If you don’t think that Billy Beane wasn’t the GM who text Brian Cashman an offer for A-Rod moments after New York’s elimination from the playoffs, you are crazy. And if I am certain about anything, Billy offered Frank Thomas. COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR!!! Billy also probably tried to smooth that over by tossing Dan Johnson into the mix too. “Come on Brian. It’s a white sorta chubby left handed first baseman. Look how well the other one you got from us is working out. Come on… you know you want to. You want make Gammons head explode… again… don’tcha?”

ASTROS
Houston hates Morgan Ensberg for some reason and Clemens and Pettite can welcome Alex back to the cult of whatever it is they have their cult in. Man – I would be stoked if it was for Morgan Ensberg. (And I spit on all of you who are going “Phil – you know that they will end up with Craig Biggio.)

BLUE JAYS
JP continues to poop on the sabers. And the Yanks will be giddy, Alex Rodriguez to Toronto for Joe Carter because CARTER IS A PROVEN CLUTCH PLAYOFF PREFORMER!!!

BRAVES
The SCOUTS! say Alex Rodriguez is the best player in baseball. The SCOUTS! say that he could move Chipper Jones back to the outfield. The SCOUTS! say that he looks good in jeans.

A deal for Bob Wickman (FORMER TRUE YANKEE!) and Mike Hampton (HE CAN HANDLE NEW YORK) would be what… well at least illogically sports radio would say would work. The Yankees would insist on Tony Pena too just to shut up old Tony Pena.

BREWERS
Milwaukee would pounce all over the offer of a confused Brian Cashman after the young GM asks for Butch Wynegar and Mike Maddux. (CAN HANDLE NEW YORK! And “HEY, HE IS RELATED TO GREG AND IS CHEAPER!!! I AM REDUCING PAYROLL!)

CARDINALS
Since Scott Rolen’s frailty is really becoming a drag to Tony Larussa, trading for Alex Rodriguez would make him all warm and fuzzy inside. A-Rod is MANLY and DURABLE!!! Plus, the swap means that no left handed batter would be acquired by the Cardinals thus upsetting the delicate balance that Tony oh so desperately craves in his lineup.

CUBS
Last time Boss George got so worked up after a playoff ouster was after the 03 World Series when he developed his giant man crush on Juan Pierre. Now three years later and with a declining skill set – it is the perfect time for Pierre to become a Yankee. No matter that the questionably speedy center field leader hitter spot is already filled on the Bombers lineup.

(Seriously – we all know that it would be Kerry Wood for Alex Rodriguez. All presuming that Chicago could prove that Wood’s arm was still attached to his body.)

DEVIL RAYS
No one comes to the ballpark and there are never any clutch moments in the game. It’s the perfect storm for Rodriguez. He will hit .400 and challenge the home run record. All to the sweet sweet sounds of silence.

The most likely trade I see happening is the Yankees acquiring the rights to the word “Devil”. The Rays have been desperate to rid themselves on the moniker and New York is always looking for new marketing opportunities. Hey! They are the Evil Empire after all.

DIAMONDBACKS
New York will demand Stephen Drew since Derek Jeter – being the obvious evil human being and terrible captain that he is – demands that the Yankees trade for all shortstops better than him and move them to third base.

DODGERS
Must… curry… favor… with… Plaschke… THE DODGERS WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO TRADE FOR ALEX RODRIGUEZ IF DEPO WAS STILL HERE!!!

I was bouncing off ideas to Ed over who would be the most likely to end up on the New York roster. I became very very cold when realizing that I couldn’t decide between Nomar, Kenny Lofton and Eric Gagne. There is a reason I have acid reflux and am going to end up with a heart attack in my mid-40s.

GIANTS
ESPN will demand that Rodriguez gets sent to San Fran. They can then assign Pedro Gomez to cover him AND Barry Bonds. MORE BANG FOR THEIR BUCK!

Mike Stanton goes back to NY since well it’s Mike Stanton – who was named dropped more than any other former Yankee during the playoffs – and NOW HE KNOWS HOW TO CLOSE!!!! SAVE THE BULLPEN MIKE!!! WE ACCEPT JESUS AS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR!!!! (Yes – I realize that this joke would work a whole lot better if Stanton was like Andy Pettite or Brandon Claussen or any countless number of people. Deal with it.)

INDIANS
As far as the Indians know – Alex never operates a speedboat so they can deal for him without fear.

There is an obvious joke to be made regarding Aaron Boone but I am very very angry at the moment because you know, I know, the WFAN knows that if you listed the third baseman on the Indians, New York would pick Boone AND Lou Merloni before considering Andy Marte. Heck, the Yanks would probably ask for Toby Harrah’s phone number over actually getting Marte.

MARINERS
The Mariners already know that A-Rod can produce in the city and they need to fill their hole at either short or third. What? Adrian Beltre who? Aww… I am pretty sure the Mariners don’t want to even think about having Beltre on their team.

Now since Beltre has the ginormous contract – he would most likely be moved to NY as part of this deal. I would swallow this bitter pill if it was A-Rod/Big Unit for Beltre. That would make me laugh and laugh and laugh. (I also see Seattle then moving Jeremy Reed for Ken Griffey Junior. GETTING THE BAND BACK TOGETHER!)

MARLINS
I have lost track of the Florida schedule. Are the odd years the rebuilding years and the even years the playoff run years? That factors a lot into what type of deal they would be looking to make. Obviously – Loria doesn’t even know for himself. If he had been thinking he would have held off firing Girardi since it could have easily been Rodriguez/Torre for Girardi and…. God… take your pick of pitchers.

I am not sure if this is the photo he wants to send along with his resume.

Poor poor short-sighted Florida.

METS
His last name is Rodriquez.

The deal will be Alex Rodriquez for David Wright because it removes one of the last pasty stumbling blocks and apparently David Wright sucks now since Jose Reyes IS THE GREATEST YOUNG PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL NEW YORK TEAMS!!!

NATIONALS
Thank God for Jim Bowden still in charge of the Nationals. Since he will lose Soriano, he will recoup by getting A-Rod with all the money covered by other teams. All he will give up is Ryan Zimmerman. I will proceed to pitch a tent.

ORIOLES
The Orioles love to be involved with every big name available – either through Free Agency or through the illusion that they are in serious trade talks. You and I know that this is done solely into tricking their fanbase into believing that they are actively trying to win. Trading for Rodriguez would also fill the Orioles requirement of “Let’s get a good player that we were already have a good player at that position.”

However, this would be a time when Baltimore would get the best of the Yankees as Steinbrenner, insisting on veteran pitching (because THAT was the problem this season) would demand Mike Flanagan and Jim Palmer. He always liked the cut of their gib.

PADRES
Gay-Rod… err… A-Rod would love San Diego so I don’t see getting him to waive the no-trade clause as a problem. Plus, it’s Kevin Towers. It has been more than 2 weeks. He needs his name in the paper.

In my horrible horrible world – the Yankees will acquire Mike Cameron because he 140+ Ks fit right in this lineup. Plus, what would a year be without having 49 outfielders. CAN’T HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM IN 2007!!! NO NO!!! WE DON’T WANT TO FIND ANYMORE PLAYERS LIKE MELKY CABRERA! And yes – in this horrible, horrible world, Gary Sheffield’s option is picked up and he is converted back to third base.

PHILLIES
At first, I thought the Yankees might still owe the Phillies a PTBNL in the Abreu/Lidle trade but that’s not the case. Still the Phillies will need a big name, giant contract to trade away come the deadline as they torpedo their own playoff chances again.

Oh and don’t think the Philadelphia brass won’t figure out a way to infuriate it’s fanbase whilst acquiring the services of Rodriguez. An A-Rod for Mike Schmidt deal looms in their future.

PIRATES
Oof… well MLB fans know that these teams at least know how to make trades with each other. Oh, and they have a PRETTY NEW PARK!!! LOOK ALEX! SHINY!!!

Apparently Torre hates Craig Wilson so you can ship back to Pittsburgh with Rodriguez. Steinbrenner will insist on asking about Bill Mazeroski’s availability (this continues to go along with the “George falls in love with guys who beat the Yankees in the playoffs”). Upon learning that Maz is dead – George will get weepy and woozy and need to take a nap. That is when Cashman can move in and get Jason Bay and Mike Gonzalez. Ooo… I am getting myself all worked up over that.

RANGERS
Well, while uncertain of who Texas would be willing to part with, they will reacquire Rodriguez. That’s right – they can pay for his contract twice. Tom Hicks is generous like that. Or studied economics with George Bush.

REDS
Alex’s clean cut good looks will play well in this Red State. He would also make a fine fine butter sculpture for the 07 fair. (And in the pure baseball sense – the Reds are the team that traded FOR Royce Clayton to play short.)

I actually would heart the Yanks taking a flier on the supposedly crippled Gary Majewski. (And since Cincy just got Juan Castro on the hook for a couple more years, he won’t be tossed into any deals. God – Wayne Krivsky is turning into my favorest GM.)

aww….

Ummm… okay, Wayne. Make this deal. Alex Rodriguez and lots and lots of cash for Majewski and Adam Dunn. Please? Pretty please?

RED SOX
No longer having to come up with the extra millions to pay A-Rod, the Sox would be all over this like white on rice. They would most likely send New York Mike Lowell so Boss George can no longer be sad about that deal that “clearly” Brian Cashman screwed up.

Of course – in my nightmares – the trade will be for Curt Schilling. (And yes – in my wet dreams, it is for Kevin Youkilis since Theo is so over the number craze.)

ROCKIES
Colorado is a wonderful place to go. Beaches one way. Mountains another way. Baseball totally not even being close to the number one or two sport. And gaudy gaudy rarified air fuelled stats.

But the humidor you say. THE HUMIDOR! Aww… that is the beauty of this. As Ed suggested, the Rockies would trade the humidor to the Yanks. Ed also said that since the Yanks would just be getting a case of soggy balls it was basically equal value. Poor poor hated Alex Rodriguez.

ROYALS
Dayton Moore has tried to do everything in his power to prove that he is not Allard Baird. There are many ways he can do this – a) actually acquire a superstar b) complete the trade without the words “Alex Gordon” being involved and c) actually offer the Yankees Mike Sweeney, Mark Redman and Doug Mientkiewicz. Yup – I think I just broke my own foot kicking something and I was the one who came up with that. Stupid self-fulfilling prophecies.

TIGERS
THEY ARE A TEAM OF DESTINY!!! THEY ARE PERFECT!!! THEY NEED NO ADDITIONAL HELP!!! Still – when the Yanks say they will give them A-Rod for Kenny Rogers, you know the deal will be made. Yup – you too can hear the logic in your head. “Well, he can handle NY. And look how dominant he was against us in the playoffs. Plus, we love giving hated people second chances here. The PR for this will be great.”

TWINS
Since the Twins really really can’t keep crying the small market song any longer (well, they can but that is amazingly irritating), they will start making some moves to maintain their momentum. Remember this is a team that had Tony Batista last season. Oh, let me correct myself, Gold Glove vote getting Tony Batista at third. Plus – Ron Gardenhire loves RBIs and with A-Rod hitting behind Mauer and Morneau, he would have a metric ton just by accident.

Since fate is a cruel, cruel mistress – George Steinbrenner was watching the ALDS in Tampa and was thinking “Man – I love those Minnesota outfielders. That’s what this team is missing” and he will demand that Cashman acquire one. But no, not Torii Hunter in a bizarro world sign and trade deal. It will be Jason Tyner. HE CAN DH TOO!!!

WHITE SOX
Anything the Pale Hose can do to taunt the Cubbies at least gets consideration. Trading for Rodriguez would mean an enormous round of Cub bellyaching over how their front office doesn’t know how to acquire talent and does nothing to improve the product on the field.

Jose Contreras is now a PROVEN PLAYOFF PRESENCE!!! That gives him the slight edge over the Yanks reacquiring Javier Vazquez just to make my head and stomach explode over the farce of Nick Johnson being traded.

(And there is no way I am even JOKING about A.J. being the catching replacement for Jorge Posada. I would have to go on a killing spree. Right after I went to Ohio and tracked down Ed and punched him in the face. Stupid Sean Casey.)

YANKEES

Some how New York will figure out a way to trade A-Rod for himself yet lose Philip Hughes. I am certain of this.

I am not sure if this is the photo he wants to send along with his resume.

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