30 REASONS: Why Mark Bellhorn Will Sign With All 30 Teams

(by PHIL RIPPA – with help)


Angels (From Bill): “They would sign him and then teach him how not to draw walks”

Arizona Diamondbacks: Would be a mortal lock if he was a former Yankee. But being someone else’s castoff works close enough.

Atlanta Braves: Bellhorn signing with Atlanta would definitely be a product of the SCOUTING~!

Baltimore Orioles: Well Bellhorn does play the same position of the guy have a breakout year. I mean, displacing Brian Roberts for a guy with a WORLD SERIES RING~! is so the expected Orioles management move.

Boston Red Sox: Curt Schilling insists that the club bring Bellhorn back. Otherwise fans will turn their fury toward Kevin Millar. Plus, there are a whole lotta “Who died and made you Mark Bellhorn” T-Shirts to be moved.

Chicago Cubs: The fall is upon us. Someone has to be able to handle the cold.

And you thought we were making these up.

And you thought we were making these up.

Chicago White Sox: Wasn’t on Queer Eye. Ozzie approves.

Cincinnati Reds: It plays well in the Red states.

Cleveland Indians (From Ed) “They heard he was a good speed boat operator”

Colorado Rockies: The conspiracist would say that Curt Schilling would pull the strings to get have Bellhorn end up in Denver so he can beat the beejeezus out of Byung-Hyun Kim.

Detroit Tigers: Baseball Reference says he is exactly like Shane Halter. HOW CAN WE LOSE???

Florida Marlins: Oh come on. Would Bellhorn’s average being any worse than Juan Pierre’s? Mike Lowell’s? Plus, at least as far as I know, Bellhorn still has both his testicles.

Houston Astros (From Ed): “Duh. His name starts with B”

Kansas City Royals: Signing him instantly makes him the 2nd best player on the team.


Milwaukee Brewers: Bill’s looking for a new team anyway – Bellhorn signing here would cement the switch. Bellhorn and OLYMPIC HERO!

Minnesota Twins: Oh like they couldn’t use someone in the infield who could put the ball in play.

New York Mets: Someone is looking to get a shot at Anna Benson.

New York Yankees: At a minimum – Bellhorn punks out Alan Embree for suddenly being stinky. At maximum – Bellhorn gets series winning hit to eliminate Red Sox from playoffs. I laugh and laugh and laugh. Won’t happen because God taunts me.

Oakland Athletics: Well Billy would actually want him. No no no – not in the Billy Bean type way

Philadelphia Phillies: Well someone has to block Chase Utley now that Placido Polanco is gone.

Pittsburgh Pirates (From Ed): “Bellhorn has already kicked Larussa’s ass once this year.”

St. Louis Cardinals: Bellhorn signs, starts to really hit again all because TONY LARUSSA IS JESUS!!!!!

San Diego Padres: I can’t be the only person to notice that Joe Randa is hitting

Mmmm.... prospect

Mmmm…. prospect

.243/.289/.355 since being acquired.

San Francisco Giants: Pedro Gomez needs something to report about.

Seattle Mariners: They need to sign a white infielder to replace Scott Speizo

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Lou Pinella is running out of people to blame for the Devil Rays sucking.

Texas Rangers: Someone will need to play second when eventually management will trade Alfonso Soriano for like Eric Milton and the proclaimation that their pitching worries are over. Also, if their is a team were Bellhorn’s strikeouts would fit in, its this one.

Toronto Blue Jays: J.P. signs him just to not play him as he continues to flip off the sabers.

Washington Nationals: I am sure Bellhorn can play outfiled, because THAT’s the reason the Nationals are struggling.


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