30 REASONS: Why Mark Bellhorn Will Sign With All 30 Teams

REASONS WHY MARK BELLHORN WILL SIGN WITH ALL 30 TEAMS
(by PHIL RIPPA – with help)

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Angels (From Bill): “They would sign him and then teach him how not to draw walks”

Arizona Diamondbacks: Would be a mortal lock if he was a former Yankee. But being someone else’s castoff works close enough.

Atlanta Braves: Bellhorn signing with Atlanta would definitely be a product of the SCOUTING~!

Baltimore Orioles: Well Bellhorn does play the same position of the guy have a breakout year. I mean, displacing Brian Roberts for a guy with a WORLD SERIES RING~! is so the expected Orioles management move.

Boston Red Sox: Curt Schilling insists that the club bring Bellhorn back. Otherwise fans will turn their fury toward Kevin Millar. Plus, there are a whole lotta “Who died and made you Mark Bellhorn” T-Shirts to be moved.

Chicago Cubs: The fall is upon us. Someone has to be able to handle the cold.

Chicago White Sox: Wasn’t on Queer Eye. Ozzie approves.

Cincinnati Reds: It plays well in the Red states.

Cleveland Indians (From Ed) “They heard he was a good speed boat operator”

Colorado Rockies: The conspiracist would say that Curt Schilling would pull the strings to get have Bellhorn end up in Denver so he can beat the beejeezus out of Byung-Hyun Kim.

Detroit Tigers: Baseball Reference says he is exactly like Shane Halter. HOW CAN WE LOSE???

Florida Marlins: Oh come on. Would Bellhorn’s average being any worse than Juan Pierre’s? Mike Lowell’s? Plus, at least as far as I know, Bellhorn still has both his testicles.

Houston Astros (From Ed): “Duh. His name starts with B”

Kansas City Royals: Signing him instantly makes him the 2nd best player on the team.

Los Angeles Dodgers: MORE WHITE GUYS FOR MILTON BRADLEY TO HATE!

Milwaukee Brewers: Bill’s looking for a new team anyway – Bellhorn signing here would cement the switch. Bellhorn and OLYMPIC HERO!

Minnesota Twins: Oh like they couldn’t use someone in the infield who could put the ball in play.

New York Mets: Someone is looking to get a shot at Anna Benson.

New York Yankees: At a minimum – Bellhorn punks out Alan Embree for suddenly being stinky. At maximum – Bellhorn gets series winning hit to eliminate Red Sox from playoffs. I laugh and laugh and laugh. Won’t happen because God taunts me.

Oakland Athletics: Well Billy would actually want him. No no no – not in the Billy Bean type way

Philadelphia Phillies: Well someone has to block Chase Utley now that Placido Polanco is gone.

Pittsburgh Pirates (From Ed): “Bellhorn has already kicked Larussa’s ass once this year.”

St. Louis Cardinals: Bellhorn signs, starts to really hit again all because TONY LARUSSA IS JESUS!!!!!

San Diego Padres: I can’t be the only person to notice that Joe Randa is hitting

.243/.289/.355 since being acquired.

San Francisco Giants: Pedro Gomez needs something to report about.

Seattle Mariners: They need to sign a white infielder to replace Scott Speizo

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Lou Pinella is running out of people to blame for the Devil Rays sucking.

Texas Rangers: Someone will need to play second when eventually management will trade Alfonso Soriano for like Eric Milton and the proclaimation that their pitching worries are over. Also, if their is a team were Bellhorn’s strikeouts would fit in, its this one.

Toronto Blue Jays: J.P. signs him just to not play him as he continues to flip off the sabers.

Washington Nationals: I am sure Bellhorn can play outfiled, because THAT’s the reason the Nationals are struggling.