NIGHTMARE FUEL: JAPANESE SPORTS MASCOTS

NIGHTMARE FUEL:
JAPANESE SPORTS MASCOTS

(by PHIL RIPPA)


Japan loves mascots. Japan loves some mascots that will make you question your sanity. I love Japan.

EHIME FC MASCOTS

ehimefc3If you ever wondered what would happen if Otto the Orange was exposed to high doses of radiation and then started a family – here is your answer. The Ehmie Football Club – a J. League Division 2 team – has a family of anthropomorphic oranges that clearly are the spawn of the toxic run off from a Fruit of the Loom factory.

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Ore-kun is the leader of this rabble. He clearly doesn’t even take the time to clean up after his latest victim. You will stare into his eyes wondering if you will ever be happy again. Iyokanta is the lock-jawed “son”. He is a soulless world-eater who may or may not hunt you down by flinging miniature versions of his own head thus becoming a, somehow, more terrifying version of the Headless Horseman.

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And then there is poor Tamahime-chan. Clearly she just tries to survive the night, wondering if she will ever be forgiven by whomever might be the St. Peter of Citric Heaven.

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GUSHIKEN-KUN

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Yoko Gushiken is perhaps the greatest Japanese boxer. FC Ryukyu – a J3 League team (seriously there needs to be some quality control on the mascots that the Japanese soccer teams are allowed to have) – decided to honor Gushiken by revealing a mascot in his honor. Yeah… this seems like a poor idea.

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GOOD DAMMIT!!! WHY IS LIONEL RICHIE CHASING ME?!?!?!?!?! DOES HE THINK I AM THE ONE THAT CREATED THAT CLAY SCULPTURE?!?!?!?! IT WAS THE BLIND LADY!!! I WARNED YOU ALL THAT THESE THINGS WOULD BECOME SENTIENT!!! RUN YOKO GUSHIKEN!!! HE CLEARLY WILL COME FOR YOU NEXT!!! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!


HANTAMA-KUN

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Umm… there is a half a hard-boiled egg stalking Hunter Mountain Yuri Park in Shiobara in the Tochigi prefecture. Is no one bothered by this? And the thing constantly runs around salting itself.

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That means it is either trying to keep itself alive OR keeping itself fresh for you to cannibalize. WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE???


Tsubakuro – Yakult Swallows

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swallowsswallows5Tsubakuro needs to be locked up.


OKAZAEMON

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Okazaemon isn’t a sports mascot per se. Rather Okazaemon is the mascot for the entire city of Okazaki (in the Aichi Prefecture). I can only imagine that residents of Okazaki leaving in a constant state of fear. Like they are constantly being watched by the offspring of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and the girl from the Ring.

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CRAP! IT IS ALREADY TOO LATE!!!


 

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