Best of “The Week That Was”
THE BEST OF “THE WEEK THAT WAS”
One of the former tent pole pieces at VP was The Week That Was. Basically a collection of random thoughts for the sporting events that had transpired the previous week. Mainly it was an outlet for us to get off our joke that only three people would find funny about a topic that only three people cared about.
TWTW eventually died to the time commitment and due to losing a bunch of the archives during one of the numerous server/domain crashes. Since I am not going to give myself the headache of moving those beasts over to CTS, I picked through the bones of what I could find to share some of the things that at least made me chuckle. – Rippa
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 12/06/04 -12/12/04
ED: Kobe Bryant-Karl Malone. Blah-blah. No one likes Kobe. Kobe likes no one. Yada-yada.
PR: Let me get this straight. The guy who cheated on his wife is bitter at the guy who played in the land of polygamy for making a pass at his wife. Wasn’t the Lakers HR department supposed to show the team a sexual harassment video at the beginning of last season? I mean, I had to sit through that just so I could sell people mock tees.
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 12/27/04 -1/2/05
PR: Speaking of the Redskins, my favorite story in a long time happened this week. WR Rod Gardner had his SUV/Hummer (shocker) stolen by a guy posing as a valet parker. (Happened outside a club in DC – God Bless, Rod Gardner partying at club stories). Gardner’s car was found in the parking lot of FedEx Field – sans tires and other parts. But the best part of the story was when reporters asked Gardner about it, he tried to claim it wasn’t him and instead, some guy named “Derrick Gardner”. To bad the cops narced him out as they were like “Nope, definitely Rod who came to the station and filed out the report”. Actually, my favorite part is that the car will cost $1.5 million against the Skins cap next year.
ED: Orioles P Sidney Ponson arrested for assaulting a judge on a beach in Aruba. Geez, he’s a freakin’ knight there! You mean he can’t slug anyone he wants? What’s the point of becoming a knight then?
PR: Wow, they have jails large in Aruba large enough to hold Ponson? Heck, they have beaches large enough to hold Ponson? A topless Sidney Ponson is something that could easily replace the whale in my nightmare
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 3/07/05 – 3/13/05
ED: Oh, and speaking of one who grandstands, guess which albino pitcher has volunteered to testify to congress, no matter what the players union suggests. C’mon, guess. You can figure this one out.
BB: …Mike Maddux?
PR: Oh! Oh! Al Leiter? Mark Leiter? Tom Glavine? Mike Glavine? Steve Trachsel? Kevin Millwood? Terry Adams? Kevin Appier? Aaron Sele? Mel Stottlemyre? Todd Stottlemyre? Tim Wakefield? Justin Thompson? Kenny Rogers? Paul Byrd? John Thomson? Olympic Hero, Ben Sheets? Olympic Hero, Jim Abbott? Kerry Ligtenberg? Joey Eischen? Scot Shields? Glendon Rusch? Matt Riley? Nick Bierbrodt? Joe Blanton? Brad Penny? Charles Nagy? Mike Maroth? Mike MacDougal? Jeff Fassero? Derek Lowe? Jon Lieber? Ted Lilly? John Lackey? Brian Lawrence? Andy Ashby? Will Cunnane? Travis Driskill? John Stephens? Ron Villone? Jeff Suppan? Cal Eldred? David Weathers? Kyle Farnsworth? Jeff Farnsworth? Darrell May? Jason Bere? Kurt Ainsworth… oh wait, his arm already exploded. Poor little retirement. Ummm… Jimmy Anderson? Matt Anderson? Brian Anderson? Jason Anderson? Okay, I’m out.
BB: Weren’t you hoping Rippa was going to mess up and name a black pitcher? Yep…me too.
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 7/18/05 – 7/24/05
BB: Alan Embree can go back to playing in San Francisco and sleeping with Kari Byron and I can be a bitter bitter man.
PR: Yup – definitely had to google Kari Byron to understand what Bill was talking about and the second search result (after KariByron.com) is a site called fecalface.com. The internet scares me.
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 10/10/05 – 10/16/05
BB: Lavar Arrington does not appear on the field. Now has more tackles in an Eastern Motors uniform this year than in a Redskins one. Don’t worry Lavar. Your job is still your credit.
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 12/26/05 – 1/01/06
ED: Jaguars DT Marcus Stroud escapes serious harm after rolling his SUV while driving home for the holidays. Stroud may feel lucky to be alive, but no Jag is lucky enough to have SEXY HAIR like Jack del Rio. Mmm, coach/rock star.
PR: Aww… you want him to coach the Raiders.
BB: What I would do for a PROBABLE: Marcus Stroud (rolled SUV) injury report next week.
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 2/13/06 – 2/19/06
PR: Indiana coach Mike Davis resigns but not until the end of the season. Nope, that’s not going to be too awkward.
BB: This is like when my roommate’s girlfriend broke up with her previous boyfriend with a two week lame duck period in-between the decision and the breakup. Oh yeah – I’m guessing there was a lot of grudge sex there. Think that’s weird? My roommate got to know the girl when he met her on Myspace, gave her mono while her and her boyfriend were on a “break”, and then became both her and her boyfriend’s friend once they got back together. Which resulted in the boyfriend getting mono. They all hung out together. Big ol’ mess.
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 9/18/06 – 9/24/06
ED: Tiger Woods is upset about Irish newspaper and magazines writing stories about his wife’s photos are being used to promote porn sites.
Ed: I still don’t even understand the story
Phil: basically one of them foreign country newspapers took her old modeling photos and posted them
Phil: then said she did porn
Phil: and posted of some random woman nude and claimed it was her
Phil: at least that is what I gather from it
Phil: I am memorized by the photo of her and her twin sister
Phil: stupid lucky Tiger Woods
Ed: I am memorized indeed
Phil: aww… stupid fingers
Ed: well at least that provides the joke for the WTW
Phil: Here – put this in so at least we have a frame of reference
Ed: aww, no one has ever choked to our site before
Ed: I hope
Phil: aww.. you act like there aren’t Bonnie and Summer and Suzy fanboys far worse than us
Ed: of course
Ed: but they never came to…err
Ed: they never went to VP.com for that
Ed: yeah, that pretty much covers that piece…uncomfortably
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 2/5/07 – 2/11/07
ED: Former player John Amaechi is going to release a book and reveal that his is gay. NBA commish Daniel Stern was prepared to fine for excessive happiness until they explained what gay in this case meant.
BB: In other news, David Stern resigns as NBA commissioner and is replaced by Daniel Stern. I don’t know, maybe someone saw Celtic Pride and thought he’d be a good fit. I have no idea.
JS: Still-Daniel’s a step up over the life model decoy who’s been running the league for the past five years.
ED: Sadly when Bill first pointed this out to me, I only paid attention to the Jooge-esque screw up of “reveal that his is gay.” Now I see the Daniel Stern bit too. God, I want that on my grave.
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 2/26/07 – 3/4/07
Ed: God, the Indians wanting to give huge money to Sabathia is…
Bill: well fudge i mean – sabathia or gil meche?
Ed: why don’t they just have him ride around in a boat?
Ed: well, neither
Bill: i think you know the answer to that question ed
Bill: you want to spend your time building a boat that can hold cc sabathia?
Ed: worked for Noah
Ed: you really want this to be the hickey section
Bill: HICKEY SECTION!!!!
Ed: stupid Nyquil
Bill: you have to have a hockey section
Bill: and then make a separate hickey section
Ed: aww, you want to blow Phil’s mind
Bill: i could not be any happier than i am right now
Bill: god, hickey section is beautiful
Ed: oh, Phil loves that so much too
THE WEEK THAT WAS : 6/4/07 – 6/10/07
ED: THA STANLEY CUP FINALZ!!! Are over. And the Anaheim Mighty Ducks are YOUR NHL CHAMPS!!! Sadly, I was thinking of a Charlie Sheen joke to make before I realized I had confused him with Emilio Estevez.
Ed: honestly, when I heard Anaheim won, I actually did do that
Phil: I will follow that up with some sort of Dawson’s Creek joke
Ed: aww, see that lost me completely
Ed: I have no idea what Dawson’s Creek is
Phil: its was that WB show that starred Joshua Jackson who was the lead kid in the Mighty Ducks movies
Ed: the fat one?
Ed: there was a fat one right?
Ed: there’s always a fat one
Ed: oh, yeah
Ed: I just realized that I only saw the first one but I was incredibly drunk when I saw it so…yeah
Ed: no real recollection if it
Ed: which is probably why I ended up confusing Charlie and Emilio
Ed: and really, is there any difference between them?
Ed: poor poor Martin Sheen
Ed: yeah, sadly, that can fill up the whole hockey section without me having to refer to it as the Hickey section